Joke Du Jour (3)

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tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Mon May 07, 2012 1:03 pm

A man, sitting in his armchair, shouts to his wife "when i die I'm going to leave everything to you". She shouts back " you all ready do you lazy :censored: ".
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

Butchers Hook
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Butchers Hook » Tue May 08, 2012 8:11 pm

Another Rich Hall 1.

A friend is someone who will come over and help you move house.
A GOOD friend is someone who will come over and help you move a body. :smt071

I have 2 GOOD friends. :partyman:

Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Fri May 11, 2012 3:13 pm

I heard the BBC are to show Vidal Sassoon's funeral.


Not all of it, just the highlights.

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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Thu May 17, 2012 6:06 pm

Just got a dog from the rescue home. It used to belong to a blacksmith. As soon as we got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Fri May 18, 2012 8:42 am

Cue on my favourite silly jokes about the apprentice blacksmith.

"Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

"No, but I once told a donkey to **** off."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

ChrisTiger
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by ChrisTiger » Sat May 19, 2012 12:28 am

Did you hear about the incompetent circumciser?



He got the sack!
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Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Sun May 20, 2012 10:34 am

Credit this to one of those panel shows, but they were moaning about the stupid speak whereby Susan Boyle becomes "SuBo", and Samatha Cameron becomes "SamCam" and one wag said: "They never do that to Pete Doherty, do thay?"
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

MJB
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by MJB » Mon May 28, 2012 8:10 pm

Re. the circumciser joke above.

Did you hear about his apprentice? He got £50 a week and a share of the tips.

OK, I'll get me coat...

h's dad
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by h's dad » Tue Jun 05, 2012 2:15 pm

Bit of a stormy weekend on the domestic front.

H’s mum didn’t come home on Friday night, when she turned up the following day I asked her where she’d been. She said round at a friend’s house but when I phoned her ten best friends to check they all denied that she’d been there.

I went out on the Saturday night and didn’t get home until Sunday afternoon. When H’s mum asked me where I’d been I said round at a friend’s house. The suspicious woman then phoned ten of my mates to check up on me. Seven of them said I’d spent the night at their houses and three of them swore that I was still there.
I am neither clever enough to understand nor stupid enough to play this game

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Wed Jun 06, 2012 10:06 am

I bought a product from the chemists that promised: "Removes All Spots".

I accidentally spilt some on the dog, and now he's gone.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Mr Bean
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Mr Bean » Mon Jun 11, 2012 4:45 pm

Roy Hodgson has apparently promised the England players a night of passion with the WAGS if they beat France tonight. If they do at least he'll be able to say he took an England team past a semi in a major tournament.

old one eye
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by old one eye » Mon Jun 11, 2012 5:47 pm

From one of todays liar sheets.

Small girl heard praying.

Please god, send some clothes for the ladies on grandads computer.

MJB
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by MJB » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:09 pm

It's gone very quite around here, so I thought I'd kick things off again.....



A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a local man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' he says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me' he says.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' he replies, and the lady bursts into laughter. The man gets mad and says, 'I knew you would make fun of it'.

The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica'.

ChrisTiger
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by ChrisTiger » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:25 pm

I bought one of those rectal deodorant sticks from Boots the other day.

Well it did say 'push up bottom'.
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Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Mon Aug 13, 2012 3:20 pm

Husband and wife invited to posh do. Wife buys new dress. Wife try's the dress on in the bathroom. Calls husband in and asks, "Does my bum look big in this?"

Husband replies, "Be reasonable, it is a small bathroom".
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

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