Joke Du Jour (3)

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tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie »

A man, sitting in his armchair, shouts to his wife "when i die I'm going to leave everything to you". She shouts back " you all ready do you lazy :censored: ".
"If you want entertainment, go to the theatre," says Edinburgh head coach Richard Cockerill. "Rugby players play the game to win.15/1/21.
Butchers Hook
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Butchers Hook »

Another Rich Hall 1.

A friend is someone who will come over and help you move house.
A GOOD friend is someone who will come over and help you move a body. :smt071

I have 2 GOOD friends. :partyman:
Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby »

I heard the BBC are to show Vidal Sassoon's funeral.


Not all of it, just the highlights.
Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby »

Just got a dog from the rescue home. It used to belong to a blacksmith. As soon as we got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton »

Cue on my favourite silly jokes about the apprentice blacksmith.

"Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

"No, but I once told a donkey to **** off."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!
ChrisTiger
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by ChrisTiger »

Did you hear about the incompetent circumciser?



He got the sack!
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Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton »

Credit this to one of those panel shows, but they were moaning about the stupid speak whereby Susan Boyle becomes "SuBo", and Samatha Cameron becomes "SamCam" and one wag said: "They never do that to Pete Doherty, do thay?"
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!
MJB
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by MJB »

Re. the circumciser joke above.

Did you hear about his apprentice? He got £50 a week and a share of the tips.

OK, I'll get me coat...
h's dad
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by h's dad »

Bit of a stormy weekend on the domestic front.

H’s mum didn’t come home on Friday night, when she turned up the following day I asked her where she’d been. She said round at a friend’s house but when I phoned her ten best friends to check they all denied that she’d been there.

I went out on the Saturday night and didn’t get home until Sunday afternoon. When H’s mum asked me where I’d been I said round at a friend’s house. The suspicious woman then phoned ten of my mates to check up on me. Seven of them said I’d spent the night at their houses and three of them swore that I was still there.
I am neither clever enough to understand nor stupid enough to play this game
Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton »

I bought a product from the chemists that promised: "Removes All Spots".

I accidentally spilt some on the dog, and now he's gone.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!
Mr Bean
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Mr Bean »

Roy Hodgson has apparently promised the England players a night of passion with the WAGS if they beat France tonight. If they do at least he'll be able to say he took an England team past a semi in a major tournament.
old one eye
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by old one eye »

From one of todays liar sheets.

Small girl heard praying.

Please god, send some clothes for the ladies on grandads computer.
MJB
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by MJB »

It's gone very quite around here, so I thought I'd kick things off again.....



A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a local man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' he says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me' he says.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' he replies, and the lady bursts into laughter. The man gets mad and says, 'I knew you would make fun of it'.

The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica'.
ChrisTiger
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by ChrisTiger »

I bought one of those rectal deodorant sticks from Boots the other day.

Well it did say 'push up bottom'.
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Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B »

Husband and wife invited to posh do. Wife buys new dress. Wife try's the dress on in the bathroom. Calls husband in and asks, "Does my bum look big in this?"

Husband replies, "Be reasonable, it is a small bathroom".
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.
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