Joke Du Jour (3)

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Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Mon Aug 13, 2012 5:15 pm

Management Course

L esson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand.. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull :censored: might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who :censored: on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of :censored: is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep :censored:, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Wed Aug 22, 2012 7:09 pm

A man was playing golf against a vicar and on missing a putt by a matter of inches yelled "Damn! I missed the b******!"

The vicar admonished him sternly, and told him that God would hear his every word and punish him if he didn't stop.

Unfortunately he repeated the same expletives a few more times as the round progressed, making the vicar more and more cross.

Finally on the 18th green, the man missed his final vital putt and yelled: "Damn! I missed the b******!"

That was it, there was a massive roll of thunder and a huge lightning bolt came down and killed the vicar stone dead.

After a short silence, God's low voice rumbled: "Damn. I missed the b*****."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Skin_and_Muscle
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Skin_and_Muscle » Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:15 am

When I found out my wife died I quickly turned to drink.

The police officer who gave the news asked, 'isn't it a pretty inappropriate time to be opening a bottle of champagne?'
Progress requires that the fears of both sides be more fully aired, not that one side wins.

DickyP
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by DickyP » Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:45 am

Confucius say

When wrong wise man admit error; when right married man admit error. :smt003
For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost - but how you played the Game."

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:13 am

Sign in a camping shop:

Now is the winter of our discount tents.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Jay C
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Jay C » Tue Sep 25, 2012 11:21 pm

TIM VINE ONE LINERS :

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?"

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

The price of hearing aids has gone up.....Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".


"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

h's dad
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by h's dad » Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:02 pm

I liked ZSF's recent contribution about the Frenchman on the cruise ship but understand why it was deleted, it could have done with a little reworking for this forum. Wonder if this one will fare better:

My dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text from the shop asking if i'd like anything brought home. I was delighted when she brought home some filthy magazines with images of naked police women. All I asked for was some popcorn :smt003
I am neither clever enough to understand nor stupid enough to play this game

WhitecapTiger
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by WhitecapTiger » Thu Dec 20, 2012 10:50 pm

Just found some salad dressing in my cupboard with a use by date 21/12/12.

I think it's Mayanaise



Taxiiiiiiiiiiii
Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Sat Jan 19, 2013 4:31 pm

Out of the mouths of babes!

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet for her response.
My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

fleabane
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by fleabane » Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:24 pm

When asked how long they had been using horsemeat in their lasagne, the Managing Director of Findus struck the ground six times with his hoof . . . .
Valhalla I am coming!

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:06 am

I don't understand what all the fuss about, you won't catch mad cow disease and you'll be great at jumping fences.................
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

old one eye
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by old one eye » Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:30 pm

I asked the wife to check the two beefburgers that were in the fridge for dinner. After a few minutes she came back and said. Their off.

BJ.
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by BJ. » Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:13 am

old one eye wrote:I asked the wife to check the two beefburgers that were in the fridge for dinner. After a few minutes she came back and said. Their off.
Their what is/are off?
Whatever you do, don't argue. We might never hear from you again.

fleabane
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by fleabane » Sat Feb 16, 2013 8:38 am

Spelling and grammar, BJ? :smt003
Valhalla I am coming!

TigrisLeicesteris
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by TigrisLeicesteris » Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:34 pm

When I first met my wife she kept saying "I've got guitar, I've got guitar"

I just thought she was trying to to impress me that she played an instrument, I asked her about it and she said " you know, guitar, up your nose when it's blocked up?"

I politely corrected her while wetting myself laughing that it was "Catarhh", she replied.......................


"Isn't that a country?"

I have more but kids read the forum
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"
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