Joke Du Jour (3)

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Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:44 am

That's very good! :smt006
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

andypandy
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the vets waiting room

Post by andypandy » Tue Apr 17, 2012 8:57 am

there are three dogs in the waiting room at the vets, a jack russell, a yorkshire terrier and a huge great dane.
after a few minutes the jack russell says to the yorkie, why are you here? the yorkie replies i`m being castrated cause every time my owner goes out i chew up the furniture, they are hoping being castrated will calm me down.

the yorkie then asks the jack russell why are you here?
oh, my owners are fed up, every time they go out i rip all the curtains down and wee on them, they are having me castrated too, hoping to calm me down.

at this point the yorkie and the jack russell turn to the great dane and ask him why he is there.................

well, says the great dane, my owner is a gorgeous young nurse, beautiful blonde hair, and an amazing figure, i have a bascket in the kitchen and the other morning she came down stairs totally naked after her shower and she bent over in front of me to get some panties out of the tumble drier, i`m ashamed to say i just couldn`t stop myself, i jumped on her back and sh^^ged her senseless!

oh dear said the yorkie and the jack russell...so you`re being castrated too then?

no way says the great dane, she just brought me here to get my claws trimmed!

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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:38 am

Places I have been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting
older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deep :censored: many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my doctor says I'll be going soon.
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

BJ.
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by BJ. » Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:00 pm

tigerburnie wrote:People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I was there once when I went swimming in Egypt. :smt002
Whatever you do, don't argue. We might never hear from you again.

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Tue Apr 24, 2012 2:17 pm

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

But what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the :censored: and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

DickyP
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by DickyP » Tue Apr 24, 2012 3:49 pm

Delighted to see this again - haven't seen it in more than 40 years. It's great. :smt023
For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost - but how you played the Game."

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:07 pm

I don't know how many of you saw a re-run of a QI with Rich Hall on it, but with his usual screwed up quizzical face he told about a machine which sucks prairie dogs out of their burrows so that you can move them on.

His words were: "It doesn't hurt them, but they do look at you like you owe them an explanation."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:24 pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground,at the Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "im not dead, im not dead. Let me out!" To which the smiling Vicar says "too late pal, the :censored: paperworks already done!
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

chris4xy
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by chris4xy » Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:42 pm

Not exactly a joke but very amusing nonetheless

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Remov ... dp_product

Skin_and_Muscle
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Skin_and_Muscle » Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:07 pm

chris4xy wrote:Not exactly a joke but very amusing nonetheless

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Remov ... dp_product
Please tell me you are not 'The Cantankerous Tiger'!
Progress requires that the fears of both sides be more fully aired, not that one side wins.

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Thu Apr 26, 2012 4:36 pm

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service. The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were :censored: off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the :censored: in London.
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

chris4xy
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by chris4xy » Thu Apr 26, 2012 5:14 pm

Skin_and_Muscle wrote:
chris4xy wrote:Not exactly a joke but very amusing nonetheless

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Remov ... dp_product
Please tell me you are not 'The Cantankerous Tiger'!
Not me guv, I'm very careful about what I let anywhere near my privates

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Wed May 02, 2012 3:03 pm

An American soldier, returning from a WWII battle, boarded a train to find there were no seats avaiable. However, one seat was only occupied by a French poodle.

He spoke to the French lady owner politely and said: "Could you move your dog, so that I could sit down please?"

He got a barrage of abuse from the French lady, accusing all Americans of being arrogant, rude, and interfering.

Fed up, the soldier lifted the dog off the seat and sat himself down.

The woman shrieked: "Please someone help me! This man has manhandled my dog!"

A very stuffy English Colonel came down the carriage and admonished the soldier: "Yet again, you Americans have shown a lack of judgement. You clearly threw the wrong b i t c h off her seat."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

CJ
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by CJ » Fri May 04, 2012 3:16 pm

notes from the edge
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? :censored: happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Mon May 07, 2012 10:38 am

Just got back from Blackpool , never again...

On the seafront I saw a guy and a woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and then it all kicked off.
Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him and his wife with it !



Final straw was when this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

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