Joke Du Jour (3)

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Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:50 pm


Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:00 am

My solicitor came round this morning with a cardboard box with lots of airholes punched in it. He said: "Here. Your grandma left you this cat in her will." So I nailed it to a gate post and lit it. It didn't spin or do anything.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Ze Stade Fan
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Ze Stade Fan » Fri Feb 10, 2012 11:15 am

My wife called me on my mobile saying : you drunk, you soak, where are you now ?
Well, honey, I replied, do you remember that jewellery shop where you saw a diamond ring so beautiful that you fell in love with it, and I said it was a pity because, at that time I didn't have the money to buy it for you?
- Oh yes darling I remember !
Well I am at the pub next door... :smt003
Nemo auditur propriam turpitudinem allegans

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Sat Feb 11, 2012 2:37 pm

I got ready to go the pub last night and said to the wife: "Come on, get your coat on."

She said: "Oh wow! Am I coming with you?"

I said: "No. But I'm turning the heating off."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

BJ.
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by BJ. » Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:06 pm

A guy is sitting in the bar in the departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly so he sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".
Whatever you do, don't argue. We might never hear from you again.

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:44 am

If any of you jokers are up for it, I've arranged for us to go out to Afghanistan to entertain the troops.

Let's hope the Taliban like our stuff.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:28 pm

I didn't realise today was Shrove Tuesday. It really crepe'd up on me this year. :smt009

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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Thu Feb 23, 2012 8:22 pm

Chris and Dylan are sat in the pub for a couple of beers. Chris says "you don't look very happy, what's up?"
Dylan replies that he has a bit of a problem down below and has to be circumcised. Chris grimaces and explains that he had that done when he was born. Dylan says "blimey it must have hurt if it still makes you grimace now."
Chris replies, "well, to be honest I can't remember the pain, but it must have been bad, 'cos I couldn't walk for 14 months afterwards."

MJB
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by MJB » Fri Feb 24, 2012 2:58 pm

My doctor told me I'd have to be circumcised too - I told him it's no skin off my nose...

BJ.
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by BJ. » Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:19 pm

It was only recently I found out circumcised men aren't allowed in the police force. Evidently you have to be a complete p***k to join.
Whatever you do, don't argue. We might never hear from you again.

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:20 pm

.... and did the policeman live on Letsbe Avenue?

(I'm here all week.)
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Mr Bean
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Mr Bean » Mon Feb 27, 2012 12:59 pm

A refuse collector is driving along a street in Australia picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes, to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again."No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:26 pm

I know it's old stuff, but:-

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A :censored: Nuisance." The last time the British issued a ":censored: Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from ":censored: Off" to "Let's get the :censored:." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:49 pm

Got some new spider silk pyjamas the other day. They are the softest, comfiest pj's I have ever had - only problem is the flies keep getting stuck.

Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:01 pm

MT. VERNON, TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!


Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was
ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

True story.

(Allegedly!) :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

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