Joke Du Jour (3)

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Jay C
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Jay C » Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:14 pm

In Leic Mercury today :

I went to the doctor's today because I was feeling depressed about finishing my crosswords too quickly....

...and he told me not to get too down !

fleabane
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Location: Occitanie

Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by fleabane » Sun Jun 16, 2013 12:55 pm

Feeling Unappreciated Lately?

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
spill in Alaska a few years back was $80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost
in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Finally

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical
condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do
with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around
11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.
Valhalla I am coming!

tigerburnie
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Location: angus , scotland

Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Mon Nov 04, 2013 9:09 pm

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’
store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the
checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last
time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned
me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's :censored: and a
car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of daft things to say.
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

tigerburnie
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Location: angus , scotland

Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:17 am

It's reported that scientists have developed Viagra eyedrops - they don't help with impotence but you do look hard !!
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

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