Joke Du Jour (3)

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Phil B
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Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:30 pm

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

':censored: off' she said 'They're for the funeral.'
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

cornish tigress
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Re: Jone Du Jour (3)

Post by cornish tigress » Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:06 pm

Good Jone :smt002
Don't mess with the Mothers!

http://www.matthampson.co.uk

Rizzo
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Re: Jone Du Jour (3)

Post by Rizzo » Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:38 pm

cornish tigress wrote:Good Jone :smt002

..and now I've edited the title, so the Jone is on you CT :smt005
Don't waste your time away thinking about yesterday's blues
Demelza - another Mother

cornish tigress
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by cornish tigress » Fri Jan 20, 2012 8:57 am

:smt003 :smt003
Don't mess with the Mothers!

http://www.matthampson.co.uk

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:07 am

Old Bernard and Harry are hacking away around the gold course as they have done together for the best part of 50 years, when Bernard announces: "Listen mate. I don't want any foolish sentimentality or anything, but I thought I'd let you know that this is our last game together. The Doctor's confirmed it, and by this time next week, I'll be brown bread."

Whilst Bernard is obviously taking it all calmly, Harry becomes a gibbering wreck: "Oh my God! Death terrifies me. I mean, when we get to heaven, will there be golf courses up there? I couldn't stand an eternity without golf."

Bernard chortles a little and says: "Well within a week or so I'll know the answer to that one. I don't know if you believe in all that afterlife rubbish, but if it's true then maybe I could come back down and tell you."

Bernard dies and is buried and on the night of the funeral Harry is awakened by a ghostly presence in his bedroom. He screams and wails and hides under his quilt trembling until the calm voice of Bernard's ghost comes across.

"Now calm down fellow, this is no way for a chap to behave. I've come as promised to tell you about the golf situation up in heaven. I'd guess you'd say it was good news and bad news."

"Tell me the good news." says Harry, daring to peep out from his quilt.

"The good news is that there IS golf in heaven, in fact they have 12 superb courses, lots of good competitions, and a really well organised fixture rota."

"Oh well that's a real comfort to me, Bernard. But you said there was some bad news?"

"Yes, Harry. You're down to play me on Wednesday."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Granby
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Granby » Fri Jan 20, 2012 4:06 pm

I met this fantastic Dutch girl in town the other day - she was promoting a new type of inflatable footwear. We really hit it off and exchanged numbers.
Unfortunately we will not be seeing each other again as apparently she has popped her clogs.

fleabane
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by fleabane » Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:29 am

^ :smt011 :smt010
Valhalla I am coming!

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:14 am

They always said in WWII that if a bomb's got your name on it, there is nothing you can do.

This was bad news for Mr & Mrs Doodlebug.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Kinoulton
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Kinoulton » Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:38 am

I took Spud the Dog to watch Last Night at the Proms, and he behaved impeccably.

He was particularly attentive towards the conductor.

Then I noticed a "thought bubble" above the dog's head saying: "Just throw me the bl***y thing!"
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Sat Jan 28, 2012 8:21 pm

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?"

The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!"
"What DVD?" "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno" cries the son. "

What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

The Mother laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot then slaps the mother!
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Wed Feb 01, 2012 12:40 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
















'For those of you who are :censored: off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

tigerburnie
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by tigerburnie » Wed Feb 01, 2012 8:25 pm

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
There's a bit of a party atmosphere around Bath this afternoon - but you wouldn't get that at Leicester if we finished ninth." Richard Cockerill 7/5/16

Bill W (2)
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Bill W (2) » Fri Feb 03, 2012 4:46 pm

Especially for ZSF

Ralph, from Sydney, aged 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.



He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.



After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.



He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.



Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.



As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."



"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."



He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."



Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.



Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.



As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"



"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Still keeping the faith!

Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:23 pm

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentine, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a night club.


The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

Phil B
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Re: Joke Du Jour (3)

Post by Phil B » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:35 pm

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars
bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a :censored:!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars bar.'
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

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