Five uses for an ex-CEO

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From Indy on Sunday:

Five uses for an ex-CEO

1. Southern Cross, leaders in elderly care, hire Rebekah to spearhead their new initiative to improve quality of life for their male residents. A spokesman said: "She has a proven track record at boosting the self-esteem of old men. Rebekah will lead a team that will accompany the old guys everywhere, agreeing with everything they say."

2. Fox TV introduces Rebekah as a new character in The Simpsons. A spokesman for the Murdoch-owned channel said: "This is a natural move, given her hairstyle. She will play Marje's long-lost sister."

3. She joins the Top Gear team as their first female presenter. A BBC spokesperson said: "In a way, this is a job Rebekah has been preparing for – charging arrogantly around the place, doing irresponsible and indefensible things." He added that the producers will ask James May to dye his hair blonde so there is no confusion between him and Rebekah.

4. The Mail on Sunday unveils Rebekah as its new female columnist with the blurb: "Are you missing what she's missing? She forgets! She's on holiday when important things happen! She's the columnist all Britain is talking about!"

5. Trustee on E block at Holloway women's prison.