Joke du Jour (2)

[fleabane]

Got the idea from Bill W (2)

Reach a high figure (page 20 according to our favourite mod ) and restart:

[tigerburnie]

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

In memory of Tommy Cooper.

[Gate]

Haven't checked back to see if this one got told on the previous megathread. Even if it did, I'm telling it again because it's a personal favourite.


Man walks into an ophthalmologist's surgery, with a shoebox under his arm. Waits patiently for his consultation, and when called in, sits nicely until asked "Well, Mr Smithy, what seems to be the problem?", at which he says "Well, I want you to take a look at this", and places the shoebox on the desk and takes off the lid. Inside is the Big Whahoonie of turds, I mean like a glossy brown two-litre lemonade bottle. And it mings in proportion to its size and magnificence in turddom.

The ophthalmologist leans back, and like a true professional, raises an eyebrow and says "Most impressive, I'm sure. But I am an ophthalmologist, Mr Smith. I specialise in curing eye problems."

"But that's just it, doctor", says Mr Smith, excitedly. "That's just the problem. Every time I do one of these, my eyes water like crazy."

[fleabane]

Heard today in Tesco in Melton Mowbray:

Store announcer: "We have a special visitor today - Santa is in his ghetto at the front of the store!"

(Presumably with lots of other Santas and no food?)

[Bill W (2)]

Heard today in Tesco in Melton Mowbray:

Store announcer: "We have a special visitor today - Santa is in his ghetto at the front of the store!"

(Presumably with lots of other Santas and no food?)

Tesco's Santa is Jewish??? That's a first!!

[westwinds31]

"I've always been unlucky, I had a rocking horse once...and it died"

Mr T. Cooper - genius

[DCat]

Seasonal one, and there may be more to follow:

CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

[POSTIGER]

What do you call a man with no shins?



Tony

[tigerburnie]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbour's male dog while he was away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart ... but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard an awful howling and moaning sound. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Once she explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

[BJ.]

Along a similar line, Constance, an elderly spinster visited her equally unmarried twin sister Prudence. As she arrived, Prudence was just carrying her female dachshund upstairs. "Why are you doing that, Pru?" she asked. "Well Connie, she's just come into season so I'm moving her upstairs whilst leaving my male dachshund downstairs." "But won't he just go upstairs to be with her?" asked Connie.

"Have you ever seen a dachshund climb a flight of stairs with a hard-on?" replied her sister.

[DCat]

Ok, just to clean this up slightly, another festive amusement:

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

========================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20, 1972

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey S***head:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !
Agnes

==========================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten p****:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been ****ing those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of poo. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

=========================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen F***head:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been **** with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole


OK, maybe not.

[Bill W (2)]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."



Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

[POSTIGER]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[Bill W (2)]

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come
again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful :censored: should
remember fairies are female.....

[POSTIGER]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Should I tell her that the war is over?"