Joke du Jour (2)

[POSTIGER]

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother cried "I'm so sorry Dan, I've failed you as a mother."

"Mum, my name's Dave."

[POSTIGER]

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" She said.

"You mean you're not pregnant?"

[TigrisLeicesteris]

At a bar, one woman says to a man : “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
Why?
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”

[Ben the Tiger]

The three wise men were walking into the stables where Jesus was lying in the crib. On the way in the first bangs his head and shouts out "OH JESUS CHRIST" At this point Joseph turns to Mary and says "Make a note of that I prefer it to Derek."

[tigerburnie]

The Spoon:

A Lesson on how Consultants can make a Difference within an Organization!

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!!!

[tigerburnie]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

[TigrisLeicesteris]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[MJB]

A spanish fireman's wife gave birth to twin sons. She named the first Jose.
The second she named Hosebee.

(Think about it.........)

[DCat]

I actually had to say that one out loud to myself to get the joke. I don't know, one pint of Thwaites Wainwright and I can't think straight. Must be losing my touch......

[Kinoulton]

Eddie and Alfie are playing golf, as they have done for the last 40 years. At the end of the round Eddie says: "Well look old fella, I don't want to be melodramatic, but that's probably our last game together. The doctor says I'm due to snuff it any day now. But don't harp on. I'm absolutely not afraid."

Alfie is obviously distraught and says: "I hope when my time comes, I'm as stoic as you are. But do you know what terrifies me? When it's my turn to go to heaven, will they play golf up there?"

Eddie chuckles and promises to report back on that very subject if he possibly can.

3 nights after Eddie's funeral, Alfie is suddenly awoken by Eddie's ghostly apparition, and freaks out.

"Calm down!" exclaims Eddie's ghost. "You wanted me to come back and report on the golf situation? Well it's mixed news, I'm afraid."

"Go on then." says Alfie, eagerly. "Tell me about it."

"Well the good news," says Eddie, "Is that heaven is superb for golf. They have 24 courses, mostly of championship standard, all beautifully constructed and nicely challenging. You'll love it. The bad news is, you're down to play me on Wednesday."

[POSTIGER]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo please mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

[SPIKE@srufc]

My name is David Beckham and Harper 7 was my idea.

[Old Hob]

My name is David Beckham and Harper 7 was my idea.

What time was the baby born David..?

[fleabane]

Not at the same time as the Pink Panther!

Ten t' ten. . . .

[Phil B]

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ....''British Weather.''

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words, partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.