Joke du Jour (2)

[SaltyJackTar]

You must tire easily!

But then I appreciate it must be difficult for you to keep up!

Clearly I was too kind with the words I chose. Even though it appears I have difficulty in keeping up, I still find the feed lines exceedingly tiresome.

[Bill W (2)]

You must tire easily!

But then I appreciate it must be difficult for you to keep up!

Clearly I was too kind with the words I chose. Even though it appears I have difficulty in keeping up, I still find the feed lines exceedingly tiresome.

Which is why you respond and react to them?

[SaltyJackTar]

You must tire easily!

But then I appreciate it must be difficult for you to keep up!

Clearly I was too kind with the words I chose. Even though it appears I have difficulty in keeping up, I still find the feed lines exceedingly tiresome.

Which is why you respond and react to them?

Just so ............... but I still await your last word!!!

[Kinoulton]

A market stall holder is shouting "Lucky knickers! Lucky knickers! £12 a pair!"

A lady buys a pair and goes off with them. When she gets home she finds that they are utter rubbish.

She returns to the market fairly pronto and glares at the market vendor, saying: "I bought a pair of these lucky knickers, and I was done."

The stallholder shouts: "That's right madam, they never fail. Lucky knickers, lucky knickers! £12 a pair!"

[Old Hob]

Wee Timmy Tiger goes to Oz for his hols. In a bar he turns to the bloke sitting next to him and says, "Do you want to hear an Australian joke?"
The bloke says, "Look, mate I'm an 18 stone ex Aussie prop, my pal here is a 6' 6" 16 stone ex lock and next to him is the meanest ex Aussie hooker there ever was. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?"
"Nah", says Timmy, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[Old Hob]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…

[SaltyJackTar]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!
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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
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My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.
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Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
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Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

[POSTIGER]

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

Though not quite sure which race yet.

[fleabane]

"If porn movies are so bad, how come there are so many nuns in them?" - House.

[POSTIGER]

I don't see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

[vin rouge]

would Saturday's French performance qualify?

[POSTIGER]

Having fake teeth.

That'll denture confidence

[Mr Bean]

The Value of Experience



An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.



He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.



The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.



When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.



The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.



The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's :censored:?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Granby]

I hear they have made a film of Eddie Stobart's life - I've not seen it yet, but I have seen a trailer.

[Ze Stade Fan]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12970864

Now, is it comedy or tragedy ? Bill ? Kinny ?