Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
Joke du Jour (2)
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tigerburnie
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- Location: Scotland
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
"If you want entertainment, go to the theatre," says Edinburgh head coach Richard Cockerill. "Rugby players play the game to win.15/1/21.
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SaltyJackTar
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- Location: Kenilworth, Warwickshire
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
Sponsorship deals may come and go but the CRUMBIE stand will always remain.
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
I know a joke about a company called Snap On Tools, but I would get banned from this forum for it ........
AKA Delilah - Founder Member of 'The Mothers'
Sponsored by Kleenex
Sponsored by Kleenex
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SaltyJackTar
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- Posts: 573
- Joined: Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:23 pm
- Location: Kenilworth, Warwickshire
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
Throw caution to the wind DCat ............... go for it 
Sponsorship deals may come and go but the CRUMBIE stand will always remain.
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POSTIGER
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Re: Joke du Jour (2)
Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest cow I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're :censored: hideous."
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest cow I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're :censored: hideous."
I saw Marika Vunibaka play
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POSTIGER
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- Location: In the office pretending to work
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
I saw Marika Vunibaka play
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tigerburnie
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- Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:46 pm
- Location: Scotland
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
"If you want entertainment, go to the theatre," says Edinburgh head coach Richard Cockerill. "Rugby players play the game to win.15/1/21.
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tigerburnie
- Super User
- Posts: 8346
- Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:46 pm
- Location: Scotland
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
There was a knock on the door this morning, there was a lad standing there
who said
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness"
I said "Come in, sit down, now what do you want to talk
about"?
He said, "blowed if I know I've never got this far before".
who said
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness"
I said "Come in, sit down, now what do you want to talk
about"?
He said, "blowed if I know I've never got this far before".
"If you want entertainment, go to the theatre," says Edinburgh head coach Richard Cockerill. "Rugby players play the game to win.15/1/21.
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POSTIGER
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- Posts: 2988
- Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2005 10:48 am
- Location: In the office pretending to work
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
Me and my girlfriend were in bed getting amourous this morning, when suddenly she jumped up and got out of bed.
"For God's sake" She said, "Can you not do anything right?!"
I got really upset. I was just about to win......
"For God's sake" She said, "Can you not do anything right?!"
I got really upset. I was just about to win......
I saw Marika Vunibaka play
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
I got in right trouble just by helping out.
The lad next door was crying because he found a sparrow laying dead on its back with its feet in the air.
I kindly explained that the sparrow simply wanted to go to heaven. That's why it had its feet in the air, so that God could take hold of the feet and lift the bird up to heaven.
Unfortunately, when the kid's dad got home next day, the kid says: "Dad, you need to thank that man next door. Mum nearly went to heaven. She was laying on her back with her legs in the air shouting for God. Fortunately the mister from next door was laying on top of her, pinning her down."
The lad next door was crying because he found a sparrow laying dead on its back with its feet in the air.
I kindly explained that the sparrow simply wanted to go to heaven. That's why it had its feet in the air, so that God could take hold of the feet and lift the bird up to heaven.
Unfortunately, when the kid's dad got home next day, the kid says: "Dad, you need to thank that man next door. Mum nearly went to heaven. She was laying on her back with her legs in the air shouting for God. Fortunately the mister from next door was laying on top of her, pinning her down."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!
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POSTIGER
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Re: Joke du Jour (2)
I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:
"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"
To which I replied:
"8 out of 10, 'I'll' requires an apostrophe and a capital 'I'."
"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"
To which I replied:
"8 out of 10, 'I'll' requires an apostrophe and a capital 'I'."
I saw Marika Vunibaka play
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SaltyJackTar
- Silver Member
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- Location: Kenilworth, Warwickshire
Re: Joke du Jour (2)
If you survive the death threat you might like to think about joining the gang that corrects spelling, grammar et al on this forumPOSTIGER wrote:I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:
"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"
To which I replied:
"8 out of 10, 'I'll' requires an apostrophe and a capital 'I'."
Sponsorship deals may come and go but the CRUMBIE stand will always remain.
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BJ.
- Super User
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Re: Joke du Jour (2)
This isn't a joke - it actually happened last Sunday.
Mrs Beej and myself went to the Odeon in Derby for the 12.15 screening of The King's Speech. I decided to get a coffee from the refreshment bar in the foyer. The conversation between myself and the youth behind the counter went as follows:
Youth: Good afternoon sir. Can I help you?
Me: Good afternoon Ryan (having clocked his name badge). Could I have a large Americano please?
Youth: Certainly sir.
(he turns round and presses the appropriate buttons on the coffee machine)
Youth: What film are you watching?
Me: We've only just arrived. We're going to see The King's Speech.
Youth: Oh, that's a brilliant film. Have you seen it?
Me: (pregnant pause) No ... not yet. Ask me the same question in a couple of hours and you'll get a different answer.
Youth: You what?
(BJ exits stage left shaking his head)
NB. If you haven't seen The King's Speech yet, do so. It is a fantastic film.
Mrs Beej and myself went to the Odeon in Derby for the 12.15 screening of The King's Speech. I decided to get a coffee from the refreshment bar in the foyer. The conversation between myself and the youth behind the counter went as follows:
Youth: Good afternoon sir. Can I help you?
Me: Good afternoon Ryan (having clocked his name badge). Could I have a large Americano please?
Youth: Certainly sir.
(he turns round and presses the appropriate buttons on the coffee machine)
Youth: What film are you watching?
Me: We've only just arrived. We're going to see The King's Speech.
Youth: Oh, that's a brilliant film. Have you seen it?
Me: (pregnant pause) No ... not yet. Ask me the same question in a couple of hours and you'll get a different answer.
Youth: You what?
(BJ exits stage left shaking his head)
NB. If you haven't seen The King's Speech yet, do so. It is a fantastic film.
Whatever you do, don't argue. We might never hear from you again.
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Butchers Hook
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Re: Joke du Jour (2)
Correct sex insurance:-
Sex with the wife, Legal & General
Sex with a Fiance, Mutual trust
Sex with your secretary , Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute, Commercial unoin
Phone sex, Direct line
Sex with a transvestite, Confused.com
Sex with someone different , Go Compare
Sex with animals, Compare the meerkat
Sex with a fat bird , More Than
Sex with a Farmer , N F U
I got into bed naked after my shower last night expecting the usual excuse from the wife.
"I've got a headache" she says.
"BINGO" says i.
"I've been rubbing paracetamol into my todger. It says you can take it orally or as a supository"
Sex with the wife, Legal & General
Sex with a Fiance, Mutual trust
Sex with your secretary , Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute, Commercial unoin
Phone sex, Direct line
Sex with a transvestite, Confused.com
Sex with someone different , Go Compare
Sex with animals, Compare the meerkat
Sex with a fat bird , More Than
Sex with a Farmer , N F U
I got into bed naked after my shower last night expecting the usual excuse from the wife.
"I've got a headache" she says.
"BINGO" says i.
"I've been rubbing paracetamol into my todger. It says you can take it orally or as a supository"