Joke of the day

[stevetelcom2000]

It's been said that a black man would become president when pigs fly.
Well, guess what? 100 days into his presidency... swine flu!

[Sherpa2]

Like that, so here is my contribution:

Husband says: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back."
"How do you control your anger? "

Wife says: "I clean the toilet."

Husband asks: "How does that help?"

Wife replies: "I use your toothbrush..... "

[pacificleicesterer]

Where do you find a duck with no legs?



Where you left it

[Kinoulton]

Grandad is making his cute little Granddaughter laugh with all his tricks and jokes.

The girl looks up and Grandad with her big appealing eyes and says: "Next, Grandad, make a noise like a frog!"

Grandad says: "OK, I can do that, but why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

And the girl replies: "Well mum says when you croak, we're all going to Disney."

[stevetelcom2000]

Looks like the Oxfam Shop near to Danny Lr Rue's house will have a treat some day this week.....Mind you I shouldnt take the mickey. I actually used to live near and knew him before he was famous. He was just called Danny The Road then. Do you know how his coffin is going to be taken to the church? They are going to drag it.

BTW if anyone thinks I'm being offensive, he was actually born in Cork, making him a fellow Munsterman, we can take a joke

RIP Danny

[TigrisLeicesteris]

Two zoologists are lying on the savannah, in long grass, observing the wildlife in a hope they will discover a new species:

"I say Percy, I think I've found something, they look to be a new species of Rabbit"

"They're not Rabbits Cecil, they are most definitely Hares, and they appear to be hopping backwards"

"Indeed they are, do my eyes deceive me or are they hopping backwards in a line?"

"Yes they are, do you think it's a courting ritual?"

"No my dear fellow, I think it's a receding Hare line"

[Kinoulton]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are scouring a row of London town houses, wondering where their suspect might be hiding.

With seemingly no clues to go on, Holmes strides towards the only house that has a yellow door and marches in. Sure enough, the young rapscallion is hiding there within, and they are able to take him back to their rooms for questioning.

A mystified Doctor Watson asks Holmes how he managed to pick the precise house in which the culprit was hiding, to which Holmes replies: "A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

I'm here all week, try the veal.

[CJ]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and 'm scared to death to ask the old :censored: what it is.

[Ben the Tiger]

I feel that there is a need for a topic for people to post jokes on to lift everyones boredom and mood a bit so here it is. I'll start us off -

Real Madrid have demanded their £80 million pounds back after they found that they could buy big girls blouses in Debenhams for just £5!

Anyone else?

[h's dad]

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

[Tigerbeat]

Have made this a sticky for a week.

Good to have a laugh

[Kinoulton]

Two Man Utd fans are in Paris for a few days for a Champions League game. As often happens, one is a huge confident thug, whilst his friend is just a weedy little fellow who happens to like football.

They spot a very lovely high class hooker leaning against a lamp-post on the Champs-Elysees and the big fellow immediately insist they are both going to have a dabble. The little lad is not keen, so the big man goes first, talks to the lady and off they go.

An hour later the big man comes back with a beaming smile and rushes up to his little friend. "Now she was good!" he gushes. "Right good. Not as good as my missus, but crikey she was good. Anyway, your turn now, she's waiting for you."

The little fan is horrified at the thought of going with a hooker, but his friend insists, saying that he's already paid for him, and the young lady will be most upset if he doesn't go.

So reluctantly, the lad goes off with the hooker. However, an hour later he is back, and he too has a huge smile on his face.

"Well?" says the big man. "How was that?"

"By Heck!" gasps his mate. "It was just like you said. She was good. Right good. Not as good as your missus, but very very good."

[TigrisLeicesteris]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

I thank you

[TigrisLeicesteris]

And another

The are proposals that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

[Ben the Tiger]

OK then this one is one that really has to be said out loud I think but her it goes -

A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the barman "Have you got any carrotts?"
"No" says the barman.
So the rabbitt runs out of the bar and then immediately runs back in and asks the barman "Have you got any carrotts?"
Once again the barman replies with "No"
So the rabbitt runs out again and runs back in and again asks the question "Have you got any carrotts?"
Again the barman getting quite frustrated that this rabbitt is wasting his time says "No"
The rabbitt runs out and back in again and asks the barman the same question "Have you got any carrotts?"
The barman who is furious by this point says "Look, the next time that you come in here an ask me if I have any carrotts I will nail you down to the floor by thos big ears of yours!"
With that the rabbitt runs back out and then back in straight away and asks "Have you got any nails?"
To which the barman replies "No"
And the rabbitt says "You got any carrotts then?"

Better if you say it to somene I think but that is one of my all time favourite jokes.