Jokes

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Kinoulton
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Jokes

Post by Kinoulton » Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:23 am

This forum's very quite. Let's pool some jokes:

1)
A woman is walking through the park when she is held up by a mugger who demands: "Please give me all your money."

"I'm sorry." she says. "But I don't have any money on me."

The mugger is a rather polite young man, and gently says: "Well I'm afraid I can't just take your word for it, Madam. I'm going to have to search you."

He searches her for a couple of minutes but can't find anything.

The woman says: "Oh, don't stop now. Carry on, and I'll write you a cheque."

2)

A young lady finds she has bought rather lot of household items on hire purchase and is struggling to make very many payments.

One day she gets the dreaded knock on the door and goes to answer.

She opens the door to find a suited man with a briefcase and rather serious manner.

"Good morning madam." he says. "I've come to see if you're prepared to pay the missing instalments on your couch."

"I think I'll have to." she says. "I don't have any money."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

hughes
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Post by hughes » Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:20 pm

:smt016 What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?....CLIFF!! :smt022
Do not go where the path may lead,go instead where there is no path and leave a trail for others to follow!

madoqua
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Post by madoqua » Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:19 pm

What do you call a judge who's had his balls blown off?????






Justice Dick!

Sherpa2
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Post by Sherpa2 » Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:04 am

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a :censored:.
The End
I used to be indecisive now I just can't make up my mind

Tiger Eye
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Post by Tiger Eye » Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:58 pm

What do you call Topsy Ojo after he's had a few drinks?






TIPSY OJO !! :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005





:smt009
Leinster Heineken Cup champions 2009
Ireland Grand Slam champions 2009

http://sites.google.com/site/ritamarielawlor/

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:05 pm

An Irishman goes to a Country Fair and sees a tent that contains a prize bull that has sired several champions.

He goes to the tent and says: "How much is it for me and the kids to come in and see the bull?"

"50p for each adult and 25p for each child." answers the proud owner.

"Bejesus! That's going to be costly." says the Irishman. "Do you not do a family ticket?"

"Why?" asks the farmer. "How many children have you got?"

"Seventeen." says the Irishman.

":censored: hell!" says the farmer. "You stay right there, and I'll bring the bull out to have a look at you."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Former Prop
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Post by Former Prop » Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:27 pm

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Government.
Our period of waiting is over - this is the time.

Tiger Eye
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Post by Tiger Eye » Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:59 pm

:smt005
Leinster Heineken Cup champions 2009
Ireland Grand Slam champions 2009

http://sites.google.com/site/ritamarielawlor/

Ben the Tiger
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Post by Ben the Tiger » Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:28 pm

A man is walking down the street naked with a naked woman on his back.
They get stopped by a policeman who asks them what they are doing and why they aren't wearing any clothes.
The man replies by explaining that they are going to a fancy dress party.
The policeman asks curiously as to what they are going as without any clothes on.
The man replies with "We're going as a snail"
The policeman looks puzzled
So the man replies with - "This is michelle on me back!"

:smt001
Success only comes before work in the dictionary.

"Rugby is a hooligans game played by gentlemen." Winston Churchill

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:35 am

One day a boy is out for a walk with his dad when he sees a sparrow lying on its back with his legs in the air.

He gets quite upset and wants to help it, so his dad has to step in quickly and calm the little lad.

"Listen son, I'm afraid that sparrow is dying. But it's good news really. You see, he's lying like that, with his feet in the air, so that God can gently lift him up to Heaven. Up there, he'll be happy for all eternity."

The boy thinks this is a lovely explanation and skips off happily.

Next day, dad comes home and is met by a very anguished son.

"Dad! Dad! Mum nearly dies today!"

"What are you on about, son?" asks the dad.

"Well, she was lying on her back with her legs in the air and shouting about God, and going to heaven. Luckily, the postman was on top of her, holding her down."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Tiger Eye
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Post by Tiger Eye » Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:58 pm

Haha good one! :smt005
Leinster Heineken Cup champions 2009
Ireland Grand Slam champions 2009

http://sites.google.com/site/ritamarielawlor/

Ben the Tiger
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Post by Ben the Tiger » Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:00 pm

That's certainly one of your better ones Kin.
Success only comes before work in the dictionary.

"Rugby is a hooligans game played by gentlemen." Winston Churchill

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