All this double threading
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when i was 13 and dropped out of third grade at wichita college i met a giraffe called simon and we climbed a tree together and then went the pub and had a drink and we got drunk me and simon, drunk on wine and all my troubles blew away like a maltesers wrapper on a windy day and we went to purple dave's club and i met a girl as sweet as can be i told her of the tree she felt sorry for me as she sipped G and T and then told me her name was dee, we kissed and it was the best kiss ever like the sweetest beautiful slow passionate kiss and then simon left and me and danced on a tightrope over flamingo bay it was a beautiful day
Forgot the resty - vesty is the besty!
Returning from Friday's match I had a call from my mates. They were leaving the barbecue they were at and going round someone's house with all the booze.
So they said "Go there. Our daughter is there, she'll let you in."
I thought said teenage daughter might be a bit miffed at some random bloke turning up to disrupt her evening. Not a bit of it. She treated me like a knight in shining armour, come to her rescue.
She wanted to plug a lead into the computer, however, there under the desk, fiercely guarding all the leads, was the mother of all spiders.
I was terrified but the girl just looked at me all doe-eyed and asked me to put it out into the garden and then tell her when it was done. She left.
And so it was, with great tenderness, I selected the longest object I could and with due precision, smashed the spider to pieces.
Sorry, but it had to be done.
So they said "Go there. Our daughter is there, she'll let you in."
I thought said teenage daughter might be a bit miffed at some random bloke turning up to disrupt her evening. Not a bit of it. She treated me like a knight in shining armour, come to her rescue.
She wanted to plug a lead into the computer, however, there under the desk, fiercely guarding all the leads, was the mother of all spiders.
I was terrified but the girl just looked at me all doe-eyed and asked me to put it out into the garden and then tell her when it was done. She left.
And so it was, with great tenderness, I selected the longest object I could and with due precision, smashed the spider to pieces.
Sorry, but it had to be done.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!
just remembered what an idiot i made of myself on sat night!! lack of night outs does this to a guy!! i was in lennon's bar with dougie, we were looking round for the other two lads we were out with when these two girls from a hen party came up to me and doug, the young brunette one came up to me and said "could you do me a favour and sit down please??" me being me i just took a seat and wondered what the hell she was about to do. she then handed me a card, i read it and it said "you must kiss the shortest guy in the pub"...i panicked and started pleading "look i'm straight, i'm straight!! i really can't go up to a guy and kiss him don't make me do it i'm straight!!" she then turned to me and said "no, silly. i'm the hen, that's my challenge. i wanted you to sit down to make you short." :oops: :oops:
the smacker she planted on my cheek and her kind words "you look like the nicest guy here" were kind of marred by the fact that i'd made a complete spanner of myself :oops: :oops:
the smacker she planted on my cheek and her kind words "you look like the nicest guy here" were kind of marred by the fact that i'd made a complete spanner of myself :oops: :oops:
Forgot the resty - vesty is the besty!
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Right, when this creature emerges from the washing machine, Kin (actually, there's a thought - I could wash it!) I'll signal by wailing and gnashing of teeth and you can come along and smash it to smithereens (the spider, not the washing machine). Mind you, it's a fair way from your gaff to mine, but who cares! My kids are both total wimps (as am I) - arachnids always turn up when t'other half is in Exeter or Durham or somewhere impossible.
AKA Delilah - Founder Member of 'The Mothers'
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But spiders are lovely. The big ones are the nicest I think. Don't smash him! He's very scared. Put a glass over him, slide some paper underneath and take him outside if you can't pick him up. When you die and realise the Buddhists were right you'll be very glad you did.
And before you ask - bunnies are exempt.
And before you ask - bunnies are exempt.
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The other day my daughter was trying to encourage a large spider into a glass so she could do just that, but as she bent forward off the sofa to nudge the spider, the remote control fell off the arm of the sofa and squished Spidey before we could catch him to put him outside :(
Might I also add that as the days and evenings grow cooler, spiders will be looking for a place to spend the winter, and will investiagate any nooks and crannies in and around the house.....be nice to them, without spiders, the world would be buried under flies and thus disease and nasty substances.
Might I also add that as the days and evenings grow cooler, spiders will be looking for a place to spend the winter, and will investiagate any nooks and crannies in and around the house.....be nice to them, without spiders, the world would be buried under flies and thus disease and nasty substances.
Don't waste your time away thinking about yesterday's blues
Demelza - another Mother
Demelza - another Mother
When you wash a spider down the bath plughole, it doesn't die. It simply climbs up to the overflow hole at the top of the bath.
It lurks there, looking out through the hole, watching you bathe and so on. Then when it spies your husband going off to Durham, or Exeter, it waits for a while and then comes out to scare the wotsit out of you.
It's a fact.
It lurks there, looking out through the hole, watching you bathe and so on. Then when it spies your husband going off to Durham, or Exeter, it waits for a while and then comes out to scare the wotsit out of you.
It's a fact.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!