Joke Du Jour

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Kinoulton
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Joke Du Jour

Post by Kinoulton » Tue Jul 11, 2006 9:28 am

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a budgie. Specifically he wants one that will talk. Th pet shop man sells him a green one with the promise that it will soon be talking ten to the dozen once it settles in.

After a couple of days the man comes back in the shop, ever so slightly miffed as the budgie hasn't uttered a word yet.

The petshop owner gives his considered opinion: "You should perhaps buy it a mirror. When it sees itself in the mirror it will think it's got company and this will prompt it to start chattering."

This seems like sound advice so the man buys a mirror and goes off. But a few days later he's back. His budgies still ain't talking.

The petshop owner again offers his professional advice: "I think you should buy it a bell. Most houses are too quiet. Once the budgie starts noisily ringing his bell, he'll soon liven up and start chattering."

This seems like good advice so the man buys a bell. But a few days later he's back in the shop, looking a little cross now. His budgie still isn't talking and doesn't seem to be particularly impressed with its bell and mirror.

The petshop man gives his opinion once more: "I think I see the problem. The budgie hasn't worked out what joy the bell and the mirror might bring. What you need to do is buy a ladder so that the budgie can climb from the floor of the cage to its perch. Position it so that as he gets to the top of the ladder his head will hit the bell and ring it. Make sure that the mirror is close by, so that when the bell rings he looks up and sees his face in the mirror."

The man gives a little sigh, but he buys the ladder and goes home to set up the cage exactly as the petshop owner suggested.

A few days later the man is back, and now he is really cross. The budgie has died.

The petshop man is highly embarrassed. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. That's really tragic. Err, I don't suppose you ever got it to speak, did you?"

"Oh yes." said the man. "It spoke to me just a few seconds before it died."

"My gosh, what did it say?" asked the petshop owner.

The man took a deep breath: "It said, 'I don't suppose they sell any birdseed in that ruddy petshop, do they?'"
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Manxie
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Post by Manxie » Tue Jul 11, 2006 12:19 pm

Truly awful ! but it did make me giggle

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Tue Jul 11, 2006 12:33 pm

Manxie wrote:Truly awful ! but it did make me giggle
What do you expect? Originally came from Freddie "Mr Parrotface" Davies!
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

DCat
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Post by DCat » Tue Jul 11, 2006 1:16 pm

Freddie Davies - I'd forgotten about him! If he was still around today, would we have condemned him to Room 101?
AKA Delilah - Founder Member of 'The Mothers'


Sponsored by Kleenex

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Tue Jul 11, 2006 2:12 pm

He came from that era when all comedians wore suits and leant on the microphone stand as they reeled off bog standard gags.

I think they'd probably all go into Room 101.
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Jess
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Post by Jess » Tue Jul 11, 2006 7:58 pm

shocking :D
Donncha O'Callaghan and Bruce Reihana are the best players that ever lived. Don't even bother to argue with me.

And - however good Imanol Harinordoquy is, he is still an idiot

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Wed Jul 12, 2006 8:42 am

A man in a hotel comes down for breakfast and is asked by the waitress what he'd like.

He looks at the menu and says: "Right. Could you ask the chef please if I could have two fried eggs, both broken, some cold, fatty bacon, I'd like my sausages hard on the outside but uncooked in the middle, some burnt toast and a pot of cold tea."

The waitress finishes writing the order and then studies her pad rather dubiously. "I'm not sure if the chef is going to want to do this." she says.

"Why not?" asks the man. "He did it yesterday."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Jess
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Post by Jess » Wed Jul 12, 2006 10:35 pm

Kinoulton wrote:A man in a hotel comes down for breakfast and is asked by the waitress what he'd like.

He looks at the menu and says: "Right. Could you ask the chef please if I could have two fried eggs, both broken, some cold, fatty bacon, I'd like my sausages hard on the outside but uncooked in the middle, some burnt toast and a pot of cold tea."

The waitress finishes writing the order and then studies her pad rather dubiously. "I'm not sure if the chef is going to want to do this." she says.

"Why not?" asks the man. "He did it yesterday."
even worse :D
Donncha O'Callaghan and Bruce Reihana are the best players that ever lived. Don't even bother to argue with me.

And - however good Imanol Harinordoquy is, he is still an idiot

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:51 am

Bob Dylan dies and goes to heaven and quickly hooks up with his two favourite poets, being Shakespeare and Byron.

They sit by a lovely river and discuss poetry. But it's not long before they start quibbling about which one of them was the best poet ever.

To settle it, they decide make up a poem on the spot about what they see.

Just at that moment they notice a bow legged man standing by the river, and Byron immediately seizes the opportunity and says:

Down where the might river flowed
There stodd a man whose legs were bowed

Bob Dylan thought this was a bit wordy, and came out with the ditty:

Look at Andy
His legs are bandy

Finally Shakespeare stood up and announced:

Sooth, what manner of man is this
Whose balls hang in parenthesis?
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

Kinoulton
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Post by Kinoulton » Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:17 pm

Courtesy of Des Lynam on Countdown. :shock:

A man and his wife are sitting in a restaurant, when suddenly a most beautiful young lady walks over to their table, gives the man a long passionate kiss, says "I'll see you later." and walks off.

The wife is stunned and says: "Who was that?"

"My mistress." replies the man, calmly.

"Your mistress! Well that's it. That's the final straw. I want a divorce."

"A divorce?" says the man. "Well you can have a divorce if you want, but just think about it. If we get divorced there will be no more dining in expensive restaurants like this, there will be no holidays in Barbados or St Moritz, no platinum credit cards, and no shopping trips to Harrods. Oh, and by the way, there'll be no Merc in the garage and no Yacht Club membership."

Just at that moment they see a man, a friend of theirs, walk into the restaurant and on his arm is another gorgeous young woman.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's Jim mistress." replies the man.

The wife takes another look across at Jim's mistress and says: "Hmmm. Ours is prettier."
Kicks and scrums and ruck and roll.....Is all my brain and body need!

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