Jokes

[IsraeliTiger]

1) The bravest man in the world:

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:



"You're next, fatty".




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2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.



Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache."



Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."



Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."




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3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.



He asks, "What are you doing?"



She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,



"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".




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4) A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:



* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The Drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Jess]

I've heard a lot of them before, but they are very good :D

[mrsmoody]

:D :D :D

very good!

:D :D :D

[Ashby Rock Chick]

Why can't men make pancakes?










Cos they're useless tossers!! (Sorry)....xxxx :P

[stevetelcom2000]

Englishman, Scotsman & a Welsheman drinking in a pub get chatting. It becomaes apparent that The Englishmans name is George & was born on St Georges day. The Scotsmans name is Andrew & was born on St Andrews day. The Welshman..David, born on St Davids day....They all get on famously, chatting away about this amazing coincidence...

Irishman walks in ( It wouldn't be complete without him).

They all procede to tell him about the names/St's day scenario....

'Thats ***king amazing' says he..



'My names Pancake'

[Ashby Rock Chick]

I nearly peed myself from laughing at that one, top joke. xxxx

[stevetelcom2000]

I nearly peed myself from laughing at that one, top joke. xxxx

It was a business doing pleasure with you

[Glaws 55]

Two fat blokes in a bar, one says to the other 'you're round' the other says 'yeah so are you but i'm on a diet'

[Jess]

Englishman, Scotsman & a Welsheman drinking in a pub get chatting. It becomaes apparent that The Englishmans name is George & was born on St Georges day. The Scotsmans name is Andrew & was born on St Andrews day. The Welshman..David, born on St Davids day....They all get on famously, chatting away about this amazing coincidence...

Irishman walks in ( It wouldn't be complete without him).

They all procede to tell him about the names/St's day scenario....

'Thats ***king amazing' says he..



'My names Pancake'

:D :D :D

[Kinoulton]

All is relatively quiet in the saloon bar when suddenly BANG! the swing doors swing open and a very excited rabbit bursts in and leaps straight up onto a bar stool. He raps his front paws on the bar making a loud drumming noise "DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" and shouts: "A bag of carrots please!"

The barman sighs and looks up to the ceiling. "How many more times do I have to tell you. We don't have any carrots. Now get lost."

The rabbit leaves but the next night comes back in yet again, bashes the swing doors open leaps on the bar stool and drums his paws on the bar "DRRRRRRRRRRRR" and shouts "A bag of carrots please!"

The barman has had enough. He grabs the rabbit by the ears, and bends down until his menacing face is only an inch from the rabbit's. "Now listen rabbit. If you come in here one more time making that racket, I'm going to nail your flipping paws to the bar."

The rabbit gulps and leaves the bar slowly with a little tear in his eye.

The next night there is a slight squeak as one of the swing doors opens a little. The barman glares across as he sees the rabbit enter very slowly. The rabbit hops quietly across the floor and gently climbs up on to bar stool. With big frightened eyes he looks up at the menacing barman and speaks ever so politely. "Excuse me sir, do you have any nails?"

The barman thinks for a minute. "No I'm sorry, we don't."

"Brilliant!" shouts the rabbit. DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR "A bag of carrots please!"

[DCat]

How many people can you fit in a Honda?















It says in the Bible 'Twelve Disciples in One Accord'

[Jess]

excellend debbie and kinny :D

[stevetelcom2000]

What sort of car did Moses drive?















According to the bible, 'He came down from the mountain in his Triumph'

[Jess]

:D