Jokes revived

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Old Hob
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Old Hob » Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:04 pm

My train spotter friend decided to end it all last week and threw himself in front of a steam locomotive going full tilt. In the end he was chuffed to bits.
Omnia dicta fortiora si dicta Latina

strawclearer
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by strawclearer » Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:17 pm

I don't have time to think of jokes - I'm reading a great book about mazes.

I'm completely lost in it.
Happy days clearing straw from the pitch before the Baa-Baas games!
"Any community that gets its laughs by pretending to be idiots will eventually be flooded by actual idiots who mistakenly believe that they're in good company."

Old Hob
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Old Hob » Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:26 pm

My parents always warned me not to open the cellar door because I might see things I wasn't supposed to see; but one day when they were out, I did open the cellar door and they were right, I did see things I hadn't seen before and wasn't supposed to see like grass and the sky...
Omnia dicta fortiora si dicta Latina

wormus
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by wormus » Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:35 pm

A Bath supporter has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats!
Prophets are going through the roof!

An elderly couple go to Leicester Cathedral and about halfway through the service the wife leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid when you get home!"

DCat
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by DCat » Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:39 pm

I heard the other day that The Atheist Society was becoming a registered charity as it was a non-prophet organisation.

Why do they have barcodes on the returning Swedish Fleet? So they can Scandinavian. :smt003
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Elisa
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Elisa » Tue Jun 13, 2017 8:20 am

Oh go on then.

This is my favourite joke, which probably says more about me than the joke. Works best in a Brummie accent.

Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Snortle.







____________________________________________________________
Four pour laboratoire dentair | Matériel Laboratoire Dentaire

Phil B
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A joke that tickles me

Post by Phil B » Thu Jun 15, 2017 1:49 pm

Two men of some considerable years are chatting at the home of one of them. One says “My wife and I went to an amazing restaurant last night. The meal was delicious, and not too expensive either”.

“What is the name of it”, enquired his friend.

Looking puzzled, he answered by saying –

“Help me now. A red flower”.

A carnation?

“No, that doesn’t help”.

“A poppy?”, was the next suggestion.

“No, it’s red, and has thorns on the stem”.

“A rose”?

That’s it, his friend says. He then walks to the foot of his stairs, and shouts

“Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?” :smt005
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

strawclearer
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Re: A joke that tickles me

Post by strawclearer » Thu Jun 15, 2017 2:45 pm

This is why the new forum must include a 'like' facility - :smt042
Happy days clearing straw from the pitch before the Baa-Baas games!
"Any community that gets its laughs by pretending to be idiots will eventually be flooded by actual idiots who mistakenly believe that they're in good company."

Latecomer
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Latecomer » Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:29 am

Two old blokes were sat in a pub enjoying a pint. It was a warm day and the pub doors were open and a funeral cortege passed by. At that one of the old blokes got to his feet, took off his cap and lowered his head until it had passed. When he sat back down his mate said "That was a nice touch". "Well we had been married for forty years ...." he replied.

Phil B
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Phil B » Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:29 pm

“In my day, we never got woken up by a teasmade. We were knocked up every morning by a man with a six foot pole. And we weren’t having hysterectomies every 2 minutes either, like the girls these das. If something went wrong, down below, you kept your gob shut and turned up the wireless".

Victoria Wood Bless her, sorely missed.

On his way home from work, a young man sees an old lady sitting on a park bench crying her eyes out. Stopping in concern, he asks her what is wrong.

“ I have a fit young husband who makes love to me every morning, and then gets up and makes me breakfast in bed”.

Why are you crying then?

“Every day he makes me a delicious lunch, then we watch a film together and make love for the rest of the day”

Well then, why are you crying?

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with a bottle of red wine, and then we make love until 2 in the morning”.

Beginning to lose patience, the young man says, well then why are you crying?

The old women sobs

“I can’t remember where I live”.
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

technologus
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by technologus » Thu Jul 06, 2017 3:00 am

Phil B wrote:
Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:29 pm

On his way home from work, a young man sees an old lady sitting on a park bench crying her eyes out. Stopping in concern, he asks her what is wrong.

“ I have a fit young husband who makes love to me every morning, and then gets up and makes me breakfast in bed”.

Why are you crying then?

“Every day he makes me a delicious lunch, then we watch a film together and make love for the rest of the day”

Well then, why are you crying?

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with a bottle of red wine, and then we make love until 2 in the morning”.

Beginning to lose patience, the young man says, well then why are you crying?

The old women sobs

“I can’t remember where I live”.
Nicking that one :-)

Phil B
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Phil B » Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:31 am

70 year old Mrs Jones went to the doctor for her annual check-up. He told that she needed more activity and recommended sex 3 times a week. She said to the doctor "Please tell my husband". The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Jones that his wife needed sex 3 times a week. Her 80 year old husband replied "Which days?"

"How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?", the doctor said.

" I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday", the husband said, "But on Friday she'll have to take the bus".
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

Phil B
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by Phil B » Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:32 am

Two Teenage girls were taking a bus together when one was overheard saying to the other - "The thing is, I can't bear late nights. If I go out to dinner with friends and I'm not in bed by 11, I go home".

:smt039
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

technologus
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Re: Jokes revived

Post by technologus » Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:21 am

On his way home from work, a young man sees an old lady sitting on a park bench, crying her eyes out. Stopping in concern, he asks her what is wrong.
“I have a fit, young husband who makes love to me every morning, and then gets up and makes me breakfast in bed”.
Why are you crying then?
“Every day he makes me a delicious lunch, then we watch a film together and make love for the rest of the day”
Well then, why are you crying?
“For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with a bottle of red wine, and then we make love until 2 in the morning”.
Beginning to lose patience, the young man says, well then why are you crying?
The old women sobs
“I can’t remember where I live”.

Phil B
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Posts: 2074
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 10:49 am
Location: St Julien Les Rosiers, Le Gard.

Re: Jokes revived

Post by Phil B » Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:14 am

An elderly couple were having a significant anniversary. A wish was granted to the husband. I would like my wife to be 20 years younger. The next day he woke to find himself 20 yrs older. :smt022
I could agree with you...but then we'd both be wrong.

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