Leicester Tigers

Hi folks, what's been happening? I've just been installing a new gas heater for our folks down at Heathrow.

What shall I do next?

He's Smiler in Last of the Summer Wine.

There's no shortage of coffin dodgers in that programme. I think someone should drop a business card in the make-up van. One with BIG PRINT.

Can we have a comedy inspector to say things like: "I 'ate you, Butler. C'mon, get that bus out."

I think Southampton FC are trying to offload a coach. Should we enquire?

My mother-in-law loves him. Nuff said.

And don't do anything daft like having Neil Diamond on the car stereo. It gets the old 'uns dancing around like muppets spilling their drinks and gobbing out sticky Wurthers Originals.

Hell of a mess.

Work hard? WORK HARD? Only fools and horses, mate. With a bit of guile and invention, plus a touch of short-cutting, one day we'll all be millionaires. Starting off with the new single by Metallica featuring the Wurzels. "I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester, and I'm Going To Harvest Your Sou...

Be I ever so 'umble madam.

To be honest, Karen, I am amoral. If I was as beautiful and attractive as you I would sleep my way to the top.

But I don't have close relations with anyone influential.

After all, how many goats or sheep ever got elected to the board of a major orgainsation?

(Not counting Welsh Water.)

Yes come one Karen. Did your shoulder pads end up on any useful hotel room floors? It's all about networking you know? I think this idea of a Wurzels / Metallica crossover record has got legs. Remember the huge success of the Sex Pistols featuring Frank Ifield with the lovely: "I remember you, ...

I think we're good ideas people on the creative side but we need some serious ops people to turn the ideas into functioning businesses. Like what are we going to do with all these bl**dy kennel club registered pedigrees once we've sprung them from Crufts? And supposing the Wurzels and Metallica play...

Korean air would think the inflight catering had escaped.

Maybe we could take the company dogs: Max, Syd, Spud; plus my other dog Eddie, along to Crufts to organise a mutiny and mass breakout. They could preach to the massed ranks of poncey poodles and pampered pekinese that there is whole different World out there where you can get mud in your paws,sticky...

Crufts. Now that really is the place for inbreds. Until recently I worked right by the NEC and during Crufts week the motorway system was jammed by slow moving Volvo estates full of sad looking freaks with ribbons. And that was just the wives, the dogs were even worse. As for Kinoulton, they tend no...

Funny you should say that. A bunch of us from Kinoulton & Hickling were congregating in the Plough in readiness to travel to the Barbar's match. The odd one out was a girl from the centre of Nottingham who'd come to the village for the first time. As she looked round this cluster of thick set fo...